Getting the Hump with Eurovision

I watched last week's Eurovision Song Contest because I had nothing better to do.

Correction: I THOUGHT I had nothing better to do!

Even though there was a semi-final stage (apparently there has been for several years but I have never watched) but around 20 awful songs made the final.

The songs were so bad that it is difficult to criticise the singers - but I will anyway.

The lady from Albania was complexion-challenged , which probably isn't her fault. However, she has no excuse for her attire (a piece of hardwood six inches taller than the occupant at the rear and a rat's-tail meandering down towards her cleavage) or her scream-like singing.

However, the awfulness of Miss Albania is as nothing compared to the Irish brothers "Deadwood" ( I think that's their shared name). These camp crusaders managed to ruin an ok song. Their costumes were somewhere between Camelot and Star Trek, whilst their dancing/tumbling was pure Crackerjack (but with no pencil won).

Britain's entry, a very ordinary ballad sung well enough by Engelbert Humpedalot, finished second last. If it hadn't been for a few votes from Ireland, it would have finished last.

Of course, there is little chance anyway of the UK winning, since it appears no country really likes us. We who won two World Wars are less popular than the losers. Even France, a country that fills most other Europeans with a mixture of disdain, dislike and disbelief, seems to have more friends than the UK.

Very odd. Nobody votes for us BUT THEY ALL WANT TO COME TO LIVE HERE.

It has always been so . No matter how few points we garner for our songs, as a "des res" the UK is truly a melody that is likely to linger on forever.