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Cash is under threat across our planet.
Card schemes hate cash, as they can only wring profit from their debt-creating plastic products.
Visa and MasterCard have both made clear that cash is their enemy. Since 90% of all purchases on our planet are made using cash, this enemy of the card schemes must be the trusty friend of humanity.
Cash-is-Cool is working tirelessly to defend cash from predatory card schemes.
Buying an iPhone4s can save you cash. To find out how read these 10 brilliant money-making tips from the winner of the BBC New Comedy Award 2011, Angela Barnes.
It is fair to say that my seven year old Godson has more sound financial acumen than I do, he has more savings than me, can kick my arse at Monopoly, and can probably have a better stab at explaining the principles of quantitative easing than I can. So, all things considered, you may not think me the best qualified person to speak to you on money matters. However, I have made mistakes and learned some valuable lessons. So, it would make me feel useful if at least one of you can learn from them. Here are my top 10 tips for making/saving cash (for what they’re worth):
1. Did you give birth to an alien lovechild? Has your ex used black magic to persuade you to give him your life savings? Did you have a near death experience on a Blackpool donkey? Of course not, no-one has, yet there are certain womens’ magazines out there that will pay you upward of £50 for this drivel (You know the ones, they’re like Jeremy Kyle in a paper format). Drop them a line, they drink up this nonsense in exchange for hard cash (well, probably a cheque).
2. Can’t afford to eat out? Get the dining experience at home by inviting over your neighbours that you don’t know, popping them on a table insanely close to the one you’re at, making it impossible to speak freely. Don’t make a fuss though, remember, you are British after all..
3. Mum’s birthday? Make her a gift. Knit her a scarf perhaps, or make her a jewellery box from cereal packets and wallpaper remnants. She’ll be so disappointed, that, for once, her joy at receiving some Charlie body spray and a box of Matchmakers for Christmas will be genuine.
4. Hallowe’en is coming up, treats for the neighbourhood kids can be an unwelcome cost. Do as I do and feign that you fundamentally misunderstand the rules of Trick or Treat. When some youth (and they have often barely bothered to throw a sheet over their heads, I ask you) knock on your door and say “Trick or treat?”, respond with “Ooh, I’ll have a treat please”, then help yourself to a handful of their booty and shut the door in their face. They will be too stunned to react in the moment. Yes, they may egg your porch later in retaliation, but what’s a front door sponge down compared to the savings you’ve made?
5. Purchasing a price labelling gun is an invaluable investment that will pay for itself in no time. Every time you buy wine for a dinner party or other middle-class, middle-aged event, simply buy the cheapest bottle, remove the price label and make your own saying £14.99. Even the snobbiest wine connoisseur will be fooled into thinking the vinegar inside must be palatable.
6. Give something you already own as a birthday gift, a Steps CD perhaps, or Only Fools and Horses DVD box set. After all, for his 90th birthday, the Queen gave Prince Philip the title of HRH Lord High Admiral of the Navy, which was hers at the time. If the Queen of England can be a cheapskate, so can you, her loyal subject.
7. Sell unwanted items on ebay, and time your sales so that the bidding ends around the time people get home from the pub. Ebaying under the influence is how I have ended up with 3 copies of The Frog Chorus on 7” vinyl, a Snoopy and Woodstock lunchbox circa 1985 and a descant recorder in the last week.
8. Apparently, having a shower is cheaper than having a bath. So, shower water is cheaper than bath water eh? Who knew? Simply fill the bath using the shower head - ta-da! (I may have fundamentally misunderstood a point here...)
9. Get an iPhone 4S, you’ll become such a tedious bore about it, that you will have no friends left, and save a fortune on socialising.
10. Don’t waste money on buying flowers for loved ones if you live near an accident hotspot, they are there for the taking. It’s what they would have wanted...
To catch Angela Barnes on tour check http://www.angelabarnescomedy.co.uk/
Follow her on Twitter here @angela_barnesy
Wednesday, 26th October 2011